Well folks, I'm back for right now but I don't know how long so I thought I'd get some things off my chest that's been weighing heavy on me for a while now. You always hear sayings like the "life of a struggling musician" and other nifty slogans and sayings that generally describe what its really like to be a struggling musician. This blog post doesn't really focus a lot on music this time around. Instead its more about my personal struggles with life right now.
I'm struggling in lots of other ways. Life's a bitch and then you die. I'm sure you've heard that one before as well. I'll let you in on something I wouldn't normally dream of telling a lot of people, much less the blog world. Warning, what I'm about to say is kind of depressing so if you don't want to hear a sad story maybe you should stop reading now and find something more pleasant to read today.
With that said .... I'm a former alcoholic. I know I'm not supposed to say "former", because according to AA once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Well for me that's just not the truth. I've got a firm handle on my drinking problem and I have for over 3 years now. Maybe 4 years but I quit counting because its no longer important for me to keep track of. I just know I have that ass kicked and I'm not ever going "back there" again. And besides, I can't afford to drink anymore much less even feed myself sometimes. The month of July marks the anniversary of a huge life change for me. This is the fifth year since it all went down. I had a motorcycle accident that left me pretty messed up to say the least and I'm now pretty well disabled. Although the social security administration and I have been debating that for nearly five years to no avail. The worst injury (among many) that happened in the accident was a broken back. Not just broke either. I did a real number on it. It crushed two vertebrates that had to be picked out in little pieces and my spine is now held together by some steel rods and screws. The official term for those are Harrington Rods. Mine are connected from The T-4 to the T-11 vertebrates. The screws are 3 inches long if the x-rays are to scale size. I also broke a few pieces in my neck and broke all of my ribs. One of them punctured a lung and I spent nearly a month on a vent and in a coma. I had lots of other injuries but those are the major ones.
I worked at a machine shop for most of my adult life but I also did some construction work for a few years off and on before the machinist gig came along. I'm really one of those "Jack of all trades" type of people who works well with their hands. I can take about anything apart and put it back together. I did a lot of that when I was a kid. I've done it for as long as I can remember so I was a natural fit when it came to the machine shop thing. At our shop we specialized in rebuilding machinery for the fastener industry. Machines that make bolts, screws, nuts and rivets, etc .. We were really good at it and one of just a handful of companies that even offered those kind of services. Now days the machinery is throw away junk made in China and a few other Asian countries. They make them to last five to ten years and then you throw them away since they no longer serve as a tax write off. The saying, "they just don't make them like they used to" is definitely true.
After my accident and back surgery the neurologist said I'd never work again and that I was lucky I could even walk. I'm not supposed to lift over ten pounds now either even though I break that rule a lot. Its out of necessity though but I do try to take it as easy as I possibly can. I just can't hold up to physical labor for very long and it takes lots of pain pills just to function in a semi normal fashion. And since I have no college education I don't make a very good desk jockey either. I really can't take sitting in a chair all day either. I have to move around to keep from getting stiff. I take the maximum amount of pain pills a person is allowed already also. I won't even mention all the down sides to that. A dope head would love to get into my medicine drawer. They'd be in hog heaven for a while. I hate the drugs personally and can't see why anyone would take them to get high.
As a result of all of this I am a very depressed person most of the time. Playing my guitar is kinda like therapy for me although its also kinda painful too so its a double edged sword. Music has always been my life, my escape so to speak. I always wanted to play in a band and got to do it several time over the years. I just never had a proper band where I played in front of an audience and actually got paid to do it. After my accident I started trying to think of some way to make it happen if I could just get myself back into good enough shape to do it for a few hours at a time. I really have no aspirations of being a rock star or anything like that. I'm too old for that now and becoming a star is pretty much a young persons world. I'll be fifty years old next month if I make it that long so I'm a little too late for all that. I just wanted to find a way to do this to make some much needed money. I finally have that band I always dreamed about but the gigs are few and far between and its turned out to not be much of a help with paying the bills although it does a little bit sometimes and for that I'm thankful. We get hit up to do benefits about as much or more as paying gigs. And as much as I love doing things to help people I really can't afford to do this for free all the time. So far we've managed to pull it off when asked but its a lot of work and it takes gasoline to get to the gigs. I figured it out a few times on paper and when you figure in how many hours go into set up and tear down we are lucky to make minimum wage or sometimes just cover the expense of doing it.
Meanwhile the bills keep piling up and my wife (really ex-wife) has not been in good health for a while now either. She had a good paying job at a pharmacy as a pharmacy tech but he boss was not only a crook but a real dick too. One day a state auditor person came in and things didn't go very well. To make a long story shorter she found out her boss was committing Medicare fraud and the auditor lady advised her to get the hell out of there because she was legally responsible for some of that stuff and could actually go to prison because they weren't licensed to do what they were doing. She did the right thing and quit that job when she found out things weren't on the up and up and all legal. We're pretty honest people and try to live right and live by the laws our society has. Even when some of those laws don't seem very just. Who wants trouble anyway? So she quit and went to the unemployment office and basically spilled the beans on her former boss. He fought like hell to keep her from getting her unemployment but because of his illegal activities she was able to get her unemployment. It was during that time that she fell ill with respiratory problems. We still don't know what's wrong with her but the doctors are trying to figure it out.
When the unemployment ran its course things really started getting really bad. We just can't seem to keep up with the bills that come with basic survival anymore. She has a few houses she cleans but that's it mostly. After several times of getting the electricity shut off and internet shut off its looking more and more hopeless. The internet has been shut off for a long time now and since it was tied in with the phone and satellite television its been pretty boring around here to say the least. Last night I was doing a little cleaning in my music room and noticed that all the lights were working on the modem. I tried to pull up my home page and damned if it didn't work for whatever reason. Someone either messed up or felt sorry for us and turned it back on because we sure haven't paid the bill. We've barely held on to the house as it is and we're still very close to foreclosure.
We decided to give the congressman's aid a call and see if there was any news yet on my disability case. I have a brief filed in federal court basically suing them already and I'm on my second go, filing a brand new claim at trying to get my disability started. After talking to Tracy we found out my case wasn't even coming up for a hearing until sometime after December. And the bank is on our ass right now. They have already bent over backwards trying to help and the last time they refinanced they said we couldn't be late even once on the payment. Thankfully, Tracy, the congressman's disability aid has taken a personal interest in my family's plight. Our youngest son is a type 2 diabetic and he's not doing well with it. Long story but he was basically forced out of high school eventually and put in to the home bound program. They didn't want him at school because they didn't want to possible liability issues if something happened to him at school. He needs an insulin pump because it constantly monitors his insulin levels and administers it as needed. Unfortunately his kids medicare doesn't pay for insulin pumps and they're very expensive. During the many times spent communicating with Tracy (the congressman's aid) about my own disability case, she got to hear my sons story as well. I turned over pretty much all of the communication aspects of my case to my wife since I seem to have a short fuse and a bad memory anymore. Anyway, you know how women like to talk lol. Tracy asked why we didn't have our son on disability already. Children's Hospital had told us it was no longer considered a disability when he was first diagnosed so we never thought about it. Tracy talked her into giving it a try since she said that what we were told by Children's wasn't exactly accurate. In severe cases (such as his) it is still considered a disability as it should be. I won't even get into the details of seeing first hand on a daily basis what a person with type two diabetes goes through. Especially when the blood sugar levels are barely controllable even when you're doing everything by the book. So anyway, we got him signed up for disability and it took about year but he finally got approved. A year is a long time for most things. Babies are conceived and birthed in less time than that. But for dealing with, and especially, GETTING ANYWHERE with the social security disability administration within a years times is like a MIRACLE.
People, I kid you not. I would not wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy. Calling it the most horribly imaginable fucking nightmare from hell is only because there are no worse words to describe it in the English language that I can come up with. This is a long post I know. And I'm having to actually take breaks because I just can't sit in a regular desk chair very long. Recliners are the only way to go for long term sitting (and sleeping) for me. Absolutely no standing in one place (like washing dishes) for over a few minutes either. I have to move around a little bit which is why I'm always moving when I'm playing music with my band even if it is just a little movement mostly. I'm literally crooked. You can actually see it with my shirt off where you can see from my neck to my belly button. And not only am I crooked that way, I'm also crooked so that my spine goes inward pushing my guts forward. I don't blame anyone for that but myself. The neurosurgeon that fixed me done a great job according to other doctors that have looked at my x-rays. The orthopedic surgeon that social security sent me to was impressed with his work but also agreed that I was pretty screwed up. Or as they usually all say, "you're really lucky" or "someones looking out for you" or my favorite one, "your time isn't done here and you have something pretty important left to do". I don't feel like I'll ever figure that one out. Its surely not to write this blog that I hardly ever post in. And surely my "purpose" is not be in some rinky dink cover band.
Whatever my higher purpose might be I sometimes wish it would hurry up and happen because this life isn't very good to me anymore quality wise. I do still get a little enjoyment out of it. Especially when I'm playing music and everybody is hitting on all cylinders and we just couldn't screw it up if we wanted to. But that usually doesn't happen very often. When you put five people together to play music someone is bound to have an off night sometimes.
Had to take a break there for a little bit. My neighbor just came by and told me some bad news. That's all I EVER seem to hear anymore so I'm not in shock but its still very sad to me. A very good mutual friend of ours was found dead this morning in his camper when he didn't show up for work. He was a pipe fitter and worked all over the place at refineries so he had a camper rather than pay motel bills. We called him Wally but his real name was Wylie. He was 48 years old. I remember that because he said it several times the last time I saw him, which was last Friday night, the fourth of July. Wally was a hell of a mechanic and even built race cars for the dirt track and built racing engines for others. He was a wiz with transmissions too. Wally liked to drink beer and fight in bars, gamble his money away at casinos, pretty much anything wild and crazy. He was also the type of guy who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed help. I'm gonna miss that dude. I'm glad I got to see him last Friday night. I even broke down and drank a couple of beers with him because he was one of those guys that always wanted to give everyone a beer whether they drank or not lol. Damn this really sucks to hear he died.
And on top of that, my favorite uncle is dying of cancer right now. Uncle Bob has always been kinda my hero. I always looked up to him because he played guitar really well and I always wanted to play like uncle Bob. I wanted to play before my hands were even big enough. I couldn't wait until I grew enough to play guitar. Bob always encouraged me too. Even though he lived in Arkansas and I lived in Illinois I couldn't wait until vacation time and we got to go to Arkansas so I could show uncle Bob what I'd learned since the last time we'd saw each other. At one point he loaned me his old Gibson because my parents couldn't afford to buy me a good guitar. I kept that guitar for 4 or 5 years and then sent it back to him when I went into the Army. I bought myself a nice acoustic guitar after I got in there and then later on in life I was able to finally get myself a decent guitar or two or three eventually.
I need to think about wrapping this long winded blog up before they shut the internet back off. I still don't know how the hell its working. I'm kinda feeling bummed out now after hearing about Wally. And my neighbor also told me his dog Scruffy was missing. She's really old and she's around that age when dogs usually die. She's always kinda felt like a part of the family around here. She's always came over and played with and just hung around my dogs. She even came over and hung around me sometimes when I was outside messing around and my neighbor was gone somewhere. I'm hoping for the best but I kinda got my doubts she's coming home. She probably got out in the woods chasing a rabbit or squirrel and had heat stroke or heart attack.
I have to admit something though and get it off my chest and out here in the cyber world so maybe one day someone will read it and hopefully understand. I've been struggling a lot lately. Even though I'm on anti depressants they only help so much. When things start getting really hopeless looking its hard to deal with. I've been having suicidal thoughts for a long time now. Since after my accident and the resulting physical pain on a daily basis is a lot to deal with I can't help but think about putting myself out of my misery. I've heard all the arguments against it, and I understand the implications about doing something like that. But would your family, friends and loved ones really want you to live your life through tremendous pain and suffering all the time? In a perfect and just world I'd be on disability and we could at least make it financially. Although even that would no doubt be somewhat of a struggle since the pay is low and the pain is still there physically, at least the hopelessness would be gone and I wouldn't have to wonder how long its going to be before I'm sleeping under a bridge somewhere. Its a very humiliating feeling to be a man that can't provide the basic necessities in life for his family. At least a woman with a sick kid can get some financial help in this screwed up world. But not with me in the picture.
If only the administrative law judge had done his job and actually reviewed my case, none of this would be happening. When I got his decision letter I knew by the first paragraph he hadn't even reviewed my case. He claimed that I opted to represent myself at my hearing. I didn't represent myself, I had a lawyer. It even says so all over my paperwork. This judge saw and interacted with my lawyer and even commended him for doing my case Pro Bono at the hearing. The two doctors on social securities side at my hearing testified strongly in my favor. Even more strongly than the doctors that social security sent me to and had reports from basically saying "this guy is disabled". So what happened here? Why me? Or do they do everyone that way? For the most part the only people I see drawing disability are people who have never worked or hardly had a work history and haven't paid into the system like the rest of us poor working bastards doing a 9 to 5 gig every day for decades. It always sucked seeing how much they took out of my check for social security every week for all those years. But like everyone else I sucked it up and kept going, thinking I'd at least have some income when I got too old to work or became disabled by some slim chance. I say slim chance because we're all ten feet tall and bullet proof for a time. I found out the hard way that we're a little bit more fragile than that.
I don't know what's gonna happen. This may even be the last post I ever make on here. I hope not, because I enjoy the internet and its one of my very few enjoyments even left in this life. It kinda feels good getting it off your chest sometimes to whoever might stumble across my little blog. Somethings gotta give soon though or I think I'm going to pull the plunger soon. I just don't know how much more I can take.
Maybe things will turn around for me soon and get better. Maybe not. But I'm gonna go ahead and say goodbye and hit the publish button before my ISP figures out they messed up and the modem lights go back out. I'm gonna try my best to hang in there but I can't promise anything since nothings really promised to us except death and taxes. If they take the house and I end up homeless all bets are off.
I love everyone pretty much and I've always loved life itself. There's so much beauty out there that a lot of us never take the time or get the time to enjoy. Always remember to love one another and treat each other with respect. You never know what someone might be going through when you meet them on the street or in the store or wherever you might be.
Peace, Love, and Music ........... Jimiray
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