We played another benefit gig tonight in a tiny little Arkansas town called New Hope. A benefit gig is what I call a freebie gig. Because we don't get paid a nickel for doing them. In fact it costs us money to do them. Gas isn't cheap these days and when you're pulling an enclosed trailer full of music equipment behind you the gas mileage goes to hell no matter what kind of vehicle you're using to pull it. I don't mind doing things to help people out. Tonight we helped raise money for a guy with cancer that has medical bills stacking up on him. But with my current financial situation I feel like we should be putting on a benefit show for me and my family. People around here always seem to pull together and raise money to help some people out with medical bills etc. Its one of the things I like best about living in the south where there still seems to be a little humanity left in the world. But not everyone gets a benefit in hard times. Its usually a "somebody" that gets the benefits and rarely a real poor person who probably needs it the most. It is what it is I guess.
One thing for sure I have learned about having a band is that there is no lack of people that will hit you up to do a free concert. Its always for a worthy cause, but still. When you are as poor as I am right now its hard to pull something like that off. A free benefit performance is NOT free to the band. It costs us money to do it. As in gasoline to get bet to the gig and back. Not to mention every bit of the amount of hard work that goes into setting up and breaking down the equipment.I figured it put one night out of curiosity and divied what we made on a paying gig and it was pretty much minimum wage at best.
As usual I'm broke and way behind in bills still. Somehow my internet is still working and I still haven't tackled that bill. Right now we're struggling to keep electricity on and the house payment made.That's a never ending thing for me these last 5 years since my motorcycle accident. Since its looking more and more like social security is going to give me the shaft I'm left not knowing what the hell I'm going to do. My situation is so bad that I am literally nearing homelessness. I've got a 600 dollar electric bill sitting on the table with the rest of the bills and the house payment is late again this month. And on top of that the note on the house is up for renewal. Basically I feel like I'm pretty screwed at this point. We got so far behind last year that the banker was nice enough to let us slide and refinance. We had gotten 6 months behind on payments when he did that. But when he did that for us he also told us we were now on a one year renewable note and not one payment could be late. So far 3 have been late since that refinance. I know he's trying his best to help up out but there's only so much a banker can do since they have some pretty strict rules they have to follow. Especially since the post 9/11 economy. The "Patriot" Act included lots of new rules for banking institutions also. We use a private family owned bank who until 9/11 pretty much played by their own rules. They were THE bank to deal with around here locally. But now they have been clamped down upon by the mighty powers that be big banks and things have changed drastically.
I know that if worse comes to worse he will give us a chance to sell the house before foreclosing. Since I currently live with my ex-wife and she got the house in the divorce my hands a tied as to anything I have a say over. And the fact that I have no income to speak of just makes me that much worse off. What I'm looking at and seeing as a good possibility right now is that if she ends up losing this little dump we call home, she can get herself a place with rental assistance since her health is shit and she can't work a regular job and we have a son who lives at home she can get herself a place for practically nothing. But if she did I wouldn't be allowed to live there according to rules. And a single disabled guy who for some reason can't get disability to acknowledge what their own doctors say about me I'm screwed. Reading through the ALJ's decision letter on my disability hearing looks like I'm reading a decision that has nothing to do with my case. Even the first paragraph of that letter told me something reeked bad. The Administrative Law Judge (ALJ) stated that "even though the client was aware of his rights to representation he chose to represent himself". That statement alone should nullify his decision in my case. I DID have an attorney and he was present at my hearing and did a lot of talking on my behalf including cross examining social securities own expert/doctor witnesses just to clarify what we heard when they made their statements regarding my medical and mental conditions. Both expert witness doctors basically testified in my favor for disability. They agreed with the same doctors that social security sent me to that basically said "this man is disabled in my opinion". The "judge" based his entire decision on a question I answered on the initial application that basically said I felt I was capable of feeding a dog and letting it in and out of the house. Its insane ... that's all I can say about it.
So going back to the freebie gig we did tonight. I think at one time there might have been 12 to 15 people who actually pulled a lawn chair down close to where we were playing and listened to us. As usual (it seems) our bass player let us down AGAIN and couldn't show up for the gig. He didn't even let any of us know until Friday night when he didn't show for practice AGAIN and the gig was Saturday. Its actually Sunday as I'm writing this at 2am still a little steamed over the whole thing. We couldn't find a stand in bass player even though we did try. He doesn't know a lot of our songs though either so it might have turned out not so great anyway. We have jammed with the guy twice now though and he's good. There's no doubt in my mind that he could easily step in and take our current bass players place. And once he got the songs down and pretty well memorized he would literally play circles around our current bass player. Don't get me wrong though, our current bass player is pretty damn good in general. And he's a walking jukebox to boot. And the best part about him is that he really harmonizes excellent with our lead singer. He sings some of our songs himself and does pretty good but tends to slow down or something when he plays and sings at the same time so he's best at singing backing vocals.
One little problem about the guy .... he's a bad alcoholic. I mean BAD bad. I know where he's at too because I used to be the same way until my motorcycle accident crippled me for life. I didn't drink anything for about a year after my accident. And then one night it was Halloween and there was a big party going on and long story short I got drunk. First time since my motorcycle wreck. That was a huge mistake! I rolled my truck that night 3 times. It broke my collar bone (seat belt) and bruised me up and cut me up pretty good but it didn't break any of the screws or rods in my back luckily. Got another DWI out of that one too. My second in a little over a year. That's when I finally said "fuck drinking" and I have never been drunk again since. I will drink up to 3 beers at a gig and once or twice had 4 but that's it for me. Sometimes I just drink ice water or Dr Pepper with ice in it. Lately that's all I've been drinking on stage since the beers are 3 dollars a piece for a draft beer at this pizza place we've been playing lately. So far they haven't charged us for ice water or Cokes but they sure will charge you for a beer lol. For years I've always thought bands got to drink beer for free as part of the gig. Maybe that's for bands that use contracts and have riders on them but its not for us regular Joe bands I guess. Anyway, our bass player has gotten drunk at a lot of our gigs and he can't slowly drink or anything. He gets two at a time (not kidding) and guzzles them down in no time. A few gigs ago at the pizza place his wife ordered 2 pizzas at about 20 bucks a piece and drinks for her and two kids (she doesn't drink alcohol btw) and at the end of the night when the waitress brought the bill, shit hit the fan!! We knew he was in deep shit for some reason but we didn't figure it out until days or maybe a week later. As soon as we were done playing she told him to get his ass in the car NOW and "lets go". We had to pack his bass and equipment up for him and take it home. We found out later that the bill for that night was well over 150 dollars. So I got to thinking, 40 bucks maybe on pizza and just say 2 bucks times 3 for drinks. I think refills are free. There's 46 dollars on pizza and drinks for her and the kids. The rest of the bill was out bass players beer tab. If I remember correctly the bill was $153.and change. That's 107 dollars in beer. That's more than the gig even pays! The beers there cost 3 dollars a piece so that's like 35 beers he drank that night. He tripped and fell on the stage during a break and totally destroyed the music stand we were using. My music stand, and he never even offered to replace it or say "sorry" either.
But this is nothing new really. He's been known to get torn down at a lot of our gigs. I think our third gig was the time he puked on the stage next to his mic stand. And if you say anything to him he gets mad and wants to fight somebody. His wife gives the rest of us these go to hell looks all the time like she despises us or something. Its almost like she blames us for his drinking, whether anyone else is drinking or not. The rest of us can take it or leave it, nobody else is much of a drinker and we know better than to get too tipsy. I know one thing, its quite a sight to see a person playing bass and blacking out drunk at the same time. He starts just playing a different song or something and you look over at him and his head is down and his eyes are closed like he's passing out. A few times in practice sessions I thought he was about to fall on his face any minute. That's when its time to shut it down for the night. It gets downright embarrassing at times though at gigs. I think its a matter of time before his wife makes him quit playing with us. Its a shame too but he just won't cut the drinking out or even down. When he drinks one its like a trigger that makes him want to chain drink until he passes out I guess.
Well I'm signing off for now. Don't know what the coming days have in store for me. They're due to shut our electricity off on the 30th. So much for the free internet connection lol. May as well try to laugh about it, beats crying and I'm getting tired of that shit anyway.
Peace, Love and Music ............ Hopeless Musician in Arkansas :/
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
The Answers Yes
That's the title of a new song our band is learning. If we get this one down tight its gonna kick some ass! Lately, the few gigs we've been doing have been leaning more to the country side of things. Are we are eventually going to have to wear that dreaded label thing. When we first started this band our goals were to play equal amounts of everything from Rock to Red Dirt to Country. One of our favorites that the crowds seem to really like is Hell To Pay by JB and The Moonshine Band. They're based out of Tyler Texas and they are BAD ASS. They do it all kinda like we set out to do. They can go soft or hard ass full out Texas rock and roll like they do with the newly released single, Yes. Just a one word title but its full of words. Finely crafted words too I might add. JB Patterson has a unique ability about his songwriting. I'm still not sure what he's doing in songwriters terms or if he's even thing IN songwriters terms. All I know is, these guys kick ass and I'm proud to know them personally. Personal enough to have been a guest on their tour bus the last time they were in the area. I played on stage with them but I think that story is already on this blog. They are all just super nice guys, everyone of them. And they seem (to me) just kinda like "regular Joe's" that happen to play kick ass music for a living. Last time I talked to them JB said something about the possibility of opening for them in the future if the cards were right. We talked about the kind of songs my band plays and they sounded cool about it so who knows what the future might bring?
Anyway, its getting late and my sleeping pill is kicking in pretty hard now. I'm still amazed and thankful to have internet however I am getting it. I still haven't figured that one out but we going to send back the Dish network receivers and they can stick it. I very seldom ever watch television anyway. Its mostly a brainwashing machine but I won't go into that now lol.
Peace,Love, and Music
Anyway, its getting late and my sleeping pill is kicking in pretty hard now. I'm still amazed and thankful to have internet however I am getting it. I still haven't figured that one out but we going to send back the Dish network receivers and they can stick it. I very seldom ever watch television anyway. Its mostly a brainwashing machine but I won't go into that now lol.
Peace,Love, and Music
Thursday, July 17, 2014
More Random Thoughts and Such
I started this blog with the intention of making it about music. It seems to be taking a different form than I expected though. I kinda feel as though lately its more a place for a regular Joe type of musician to just share my thoughts and musical experiences and even personal struggles with life in general. I'd like to somehow make the world a better place but I think a lot of us share that desire. We just don't quite know how to do it yet. Well, I kinda do but it takes everyone's participation and I haven't figured that part out yet lol.
A lot of us out here know this system we live in sucks, but we don't know how to change it. We are currently being "ruled over" by some "not so nice" people who have taken it upon themselves that "they are a superior beings or bloodlines and know what's best for everyone". And yet we (sometimes literally) worship the various stooges they provide us with for "entertainment". Most of those people are greedy psychopaths unfortunately. They have no conscience about what bad things they might do to other people by their own actions. I honestly don't think there's a single person that could be specifically pointed out that's running things in the way most people think of in conspiracy mode. I'm guilty myself. I was once positive that pope blah blah blah was DEFINITELY the Anti-Christ himself, here to rule the world as Satan. Whatever ...... I kinda don't give a fuck about it anymore in a way. I'm not too hopeful about "the system" ever being anything good for people in the long run. I definitely believe there ARE some pretty bad conspiracies happening all the time. Some very famous one's, Like the Kennedy brothers being murdered (even on film) back in the 60's when everything seemed to "change" back then too .... only different. I could get very deep into a lot of those things. The world works in ways that sometimes you think you have about figured out how it all works and then BAM! something else hits you. You're in too deep at this point of the game too. You know too much to ever forget it all. Nothing has or will ever be the way it was 20 or so years ago. Not for me personally.
I've found out the hard way about how some of our great social security program works ... or doesn't work worth a damn for the people that deal with them. The Whole Damn Thing Is A Sham!
They love the people to "go out into the world and prosper" but " you need to pay these taxes while your making that paycheck. We'll only take a little." And its "for retirement or if you become disabled" its Social Security and everyone has to pay in. That's how the system works after all. You know. The rules and all ...
I went out "to prosper" like every other slave in the country and made a living for myself. I started in the construction field, mostly building houses but also done some concrete work and brick/block laying etc, along the way. I eventually ended up in a machine shop. Not exactly any ordinary machine shop in the sense a person might think. We did a lot of contract type work but did occasionally take in off the street customers. There was not very many who came around but we had a few that came semi regular. Anyway, back to the shop and what we did. We specialized in rebuilding machinery for the fastener industry. Mostly machines that made bolts and nuts and rivets etc. We even made a machine one time from blue prints that poked little tiny holes into an aluminum hub that fits the end of a syringe. I think it ran around 400-600 per minute too! I learned a zillion things from my experiences. We even worked on the road sometimes repairing things for customers "in house". I've made crankshafts and camshafts, specialty bolts and nuts, Welded several types of tool steel including some stainless and aluminum. I've done hard facing on parts and have used a few gouging rods in my day too. I can weld cast iron pretty well most of the time too. There are tricks to certain things. Tricks you sometimes even develop yourself. I done all of that for over twenty years straight of my life. Same building/property under three or four different names. My father owned it himself for most of those years. Although we all shared duties running it. Eventually, after the usual 5 years of tax write off is over with it comes time to do away with, or move the company and start in a new name. That's how the millionaires do it anyway. Sure enough the time came to end the shop I had honed my teeth on all that different machinery.
I managed to acquire a lot of things of my own over the years. A lot of tools and things like welders at home etc. Its nice to be able to repair something if you can at home when you can and where we live (out of town). I am able to do a few things. Its very hard on me sometimes though and sometimes it takes a day or two before I want to get back in my shop again. While the company was moving and selling and scrapping things I took advantage and bought myself a milling machine and a lathe and a band saw and a press a few various things I'm sure I'm forgetting. Lately, with nothing else to do I decided (I guess) that I'd do the night shift and clean up my shop. I've got a lot of stuff in there that's either junk or needs to find a new place to be. Even its its not here and ends up somewhere else. I have been known to sell things I doubted I'd even need again. I may even sell my chainsaw in a yard sale soon. I can't use it anymore. But anyway, I'm slowly getting my shop back in order and its starting to look good in there for a change. And I'm probably only halfway done with what I intend to do with it. Its looking like I'm going to have to try and find some work for myself and that machinery I have. They recently turned down my federal appeal for disability. I just don't understand how they can say, with a straight face at that, that I am not disabled.
They know they got me right where they want me to be. Just like every slave out there busting their ass for a measly living. It doesn't really even matter how much money you make in the broad scheme of things. Just as long ass your ass is making a paycheck and they're getting a cut of it. Good luck getting any of that shit back though. They've pretty well got it figured out that by the time you get to the age it takes to actually draw social security, if you live long enough, you probably aren't going to live very much longer. So where did all that leftover money go? Imagine how many people that have died before collecting benefits at all. Where did that money go? Why are they giving all these social services benefits to illegal aliens? Why are so many perfectly capable of working a job getting disability benefits? I don't get it.
Its late again and I need to sign off. I'll pick this subject up again when I come back. I'm not near done with any of this yet. I might even get fancy and throw in a few hyper links in the next post.
As always .... Peace, Love, and Music
A lot of us out here know this system we live in sucks, but we don't know how to change it. We are currently being "ruled over" by some "not so nice" people who have taken it upon themselves that "they are a superior beings or bloodlines and know what's best for everyone". And yet we (sometimes literally) worship the various stooges they provide us with for "entertainment". Most of those people are greedy psychopaths unfortunately. They have no conscience about what bad things they might do to other people by their own actions. I honestly don't think there's a single person that could be specifically pointed out that's running things in the way most people think of in conspiracy mode. I'm guilty myself. I was once positive that pope blah blah blah was DEFINITELY the Anti-Christ himself, here to rule the world as Satan. Whatever ...... I kinda don't give a fuck about it anymore in a way. I'm not too hopeful about "the system" ever being anything good for people in the long run. I definitely believe there ARE some pretty bad conspiracies happening all the time. Some very famous one's, Like the Kennedy brothers being murdered (even on film) back in the 60's when everything seemed to "change" back then too .... only different. I could get very deep into a lot of those things. The world works in ways that sometimes you think you have about figured out how it all works and then BAM! something else hits you. You're in too deep at this point of the game too. You know too much to ever forget it all. Nothing has or will ever be the way it was 20 or so years ago. Not for me personally.
I've found out the hard way about how some of our great social security program works ... or doesn't work worth a damn for the people that deal with them. The Whole Damn Thing Is A Sham!
They love the people to "go out into the world and prosper" but " you need to pay these taxes while your making that paycheck. We'll only take a little." And its "for retirement or if you become disabled" its Social Security and everyone has to pay in. That's how the system works after all. You know. The rules and all ...
I went out "to prosper" like every other slave in the country and made a living for myself. I started in the construction field, mostly building houses but also done some concrete work and brick/block laying etc, along the way. I eventually ended up in a machine shop. Not exactly any ordinary machine shop in the sense a person might think. We did a lot of contract type work but did occasionally take in off the street customers. There was not very many who came around but we had a few that came semi regular. Anyway, back to the shop and what we did. We specialized in rebuilding machinery for the fastener industry. Mostly machines that made bolts and nuts and rivets etc. We even made a machine one time from blue prints that poked little tiny holes into an aluminum hub that fits the end of a syringe. I think it ran around 400-600 per minute too! I learned a zillion things from my experiences. We even worked on the road sometimes repairing things for customers "in house". I've made crankshafts and camshafts, specialty bolts and nuts, Welded several types of tool steel including some stainless and aluminum. I've done hard facing on parts and have used a few gouging rods in my day too. I can weld cast iron pretty well most of the time too. There are tricks to certain things. Tricks you sometimes even develop yourself. I done all of that for over twenty years straight of my life. Same building/property under three or four different names. My father owned it himself for most of those years. Although we all shared duties running it. Eventually, after the usual 5 years of tax write off is over with it comes time to do away with, or move the company and start in a new name. That's how the millionaires do it anyway. Sure enough the time came to end the shop I had honed my teeth on all that different machinery.
I managed to acquire a lot of things of my own over the years. A lot of tools and things like welders at home etc. Its nice to be able to repair something if you can at home when you can and where we live (out of town). I am able to do a few things. Its very hard on me sometimes though and sometimes it takes a day or two before I want to get back in my shop again. While the company was moving and selling and scrapping things I took advantage and bought myself a milling machine and a lathe and a band saw and a press a few various things I'm sure I'm forgetting. Lately, with nothing else to do I decided (I guess) that I'd do the night shift and clean up my shop. I've got a lot of stuff in there that's either junk or needs to find a new place to be. Even its its not here and ends up somewhere else. I have been known to sell things I doubted I'd even need again. I may even sell my chainsaw in a yard sale soon. I can't use it anymore. But anyway, I'm slowly getting my shop back in order and its starting to look good in there for a change. And I'm probably only halfway done with what I intend to do with it. Its looking like I'm going to have to try and find some work for myself and that machinery I have. They recently turned down my federal appeal for disability. I just don't understand how they can say, with a straight face at that, that I am not disabled.
They know they got me right where they want me to be. Just like every slave out there busting their ass for a measly living. It doesn't really even matter how much money you make in the broad scheme of things. Just as long ass your ass is making a paycheck and they're getting a cut of it. Good luck getting any of that shit back though. They've pretty well got it figured out that by the time you get to the age it takes to actually draw social security, if you live long enough, you probably aren't going to live very much longer. So where did all that leftover money go? Imagine how many people that have died before collecting benefits at all. Where did that money go? Why are they giving all these social services benefits to illegal aliens? Why are so many perfectly capable of working a job getting disability benefits? I don't get it.
Its late again and I need to sign off. I'll pick this subject up again when I come back. I'm not near done with any of this yet. I might even get fancy and throw in a few hyper links in the next post.
As always .... Peace, Love, and Music
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
And Still I Linger On
Sounds like something that might be usable as a few song lyrics. "And still I linger on" ...... Already out there I bet anyway ...
Well, I am still somehow lingering on somehow. The internet connection is still working, although the bill hasn't been paid yet. It really sucks to wake up most days and not seem to have any purpose in this life. I feel I've learned enough about this life to know that it sucks by status-quo standards. Most of us, "the 99%" are really a bunch of duped slaves to a phoney monetary system dreamed up by the devil himself. I did manage to have a good time last weekend even if it was just a few hours. I wish I could do it every day somehow. Playing music is about all I seem to even bother living for anymore. Its an escape from reality for a little while. Its like magic or something when people are into what you're playing and maybe singing along or even dancing or just moving around a little with a smile on their faces. Most of them, probably 99% worked all week at a job that doesn't pay near enough. Enough to pay the bills (hopefully) and just a little left over to go out to eat and have a nice time. Seems like there is always some people at every gig that have a special song they want you to play. Sometimes you feel like "what am I a jukebox?" lol. BUT we always try to do it if even one or two of us kinda know it. That is one unique thing I think we have about our band. We all range from 14 to 50 years old and that covers a lot of years and genres of music when you add it all up. Although, having a 14 year old drummer in the band limits us as to where we can play. We are kicking around the idea of getting a stunt drummer to stand in for the gigs that you have to be 18-21. The smoking laws kill us worse than the actual being a place that serves alcohol law does for us. Any indoor smoking going on = No persons under the age of 18 - no exceptions. As long as we play outdoors we have no worries though.
We done a stripped down quasi acoustic show. Really all we were missing were drums but since our drummer had a baseball tournament and his dad is our lead guitar player they had to miss the gig. We got a stunt lead player to stand in with us and he was really great to get to play with. We hit it off really good about playing together. A chemistry thing so to speak I guess. That was our second gig in a row like that. And at the same venue too. Its a pizza and beer type of place with a nice atmosphere about it. Its pretty much right there at a pretty popular lake and people from all over north east Texas invade the place every summer. Its been know to have some famous residents in the area. NBA star Dennis Rodman had a houseboat there for a while at least. And Bill Dance or Jimmy Houston from the pro fishing television shows lives or lived around there too. Its a beautiful clean, clear, and deep lake too. Broken Bow Lake is the name of it. Its about 12 miles or so north of Broken Bow Oklahoma in southeast Oklahoma. Its about 50 to 60 miles north of the Texas state line. And about 30 miles west of the Arkansas Oklahoma line.
For southeast Oklahoma of all places The Grateful Head Pizza and Tap Room has some of the best damn pizza ever. I have eaten pizza all over the country and even lived around what I consider the pizza capitol of the world, Chicago Illinois and it rates right up there with the best of them. I usually get to eat mine cold on the way home from the gig and its still kick ass pizza!
We were playing to a standing room only crowd just like the last gig, just playing away minding our own business. And these people walk past us, literally between our monitors and the stage (its really cramped around the tiny stage area) and I see this face I recognized. I thought to myself "no way" but I looked some more and decided it really was him. Not that he's a huge star or anything but he plays on one of those reality shows about cars. Its called "Fast and Loud" or aka "Gas Monkey Garage". The guy's name is Dennis Collins and he's the star Richard Rawlings rich friend who buys cars and advises on foreign cars etc,. While we were taking a quick break I walked out to the parking lot to the truck to get something and I saw a real nice jacked up Jeep. On the spare tire cover it read "Collins Brothers Jeep" so I figure he's partners with his brother in a Jeep Dealership along with being partners with The Gas Monkey himself. Richard Rawlings. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him or shake his hand or anything but him and his friends really seemed to enjoy our music. They actually sat on a concrete slab that holds a picnic table while waiting on a table to open up and it was right next to the stage where they usually reserve for the bands family. I know that place sure sold a lot of pizza and beer last Saturday night. I think we made a ten dollar tip this time. We made about 40 in tips the time before and we don't even set out a tip jar. I kinda got a screwing on the tip situation I think. There was something mentioned about putting it back for equipment but I don't know if that will ever happen or just be forgotten.
The load in and load out is a real pain in the ass. Not to mention hooking everything up right the first time and getting the PA really close to right without a sound check. We literally sound check off of our first song or two. But I have gotten pretty good at getting things all hooked up right and fairly quick if nobody is in my way. That's usually not the case unfortunately and you find yourself doing a sort of awkward dance of some kind getting the cords routed etc,
Well for now I'll just close out by saying I'm still hanging in there. But just barely. I'm an emotional wreck to be honest. I'm on anti-depressants and I'm still depressed beyond description. Apparently that good ole social security system that loves to rob our paychecks don't have any intentions of ever giving it back to you if there's even a sliver of a chance that they can get out of it. The lady who worked as a guard at the Federal Courthouse once told me she had actually seen people missing 2 limbs get turned down for disability. They act in my case like "you just broke your back you can still do something". There are admittedly things I can do, but for the life of me I don't know how I could do an 8 hour shift somewhere and make a living. I have hardware in my spine and my spine is fused to boot. I'm missing two vertebrates. My back doesn't bend well at all. And because of the way it is, it shouldn't bend. For some strange reason also, I have noticed that since my accident and surgery I don't have very good balance. I was told by doctors to stay off of ladders by all means. I'm not supposed to be exposed to vibrations either for fear it could loosen my screws? And its just painful 24/7 in general.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll figure something out to do despite my disabilities and make it somehow, but right now it looks really bleak. It would take 5 nights a week of gigging to make a living and even then after expenses it would be barely squeaking by. And quite frankly I couldn't do it physically. Playing a gig usually takes me 1-3 days just to fully get over. Depends on how much I have to do physically during load in and load out. We have some members who don't like to pull their weight at times and that just makes it worse on me. They don't have to do this for the money though.
Anyway .... Peace, Love, and Music as always
And if I don't make it here I'll see some of you on the other side.
Well, I am still somehow lingering on somehow. The internet connection is still working, although the bill hasn't been paid yet. It really sucks to wake up most days and not seem to have any purpose in this life. I feel I've learned enough about this life to know that it sucks by status-quo standards. Most of us, "the 99%" are really a bunch of duped slaves to a phoney monetary system dreamed up by the devil himself. I did manage to have a good time last weekend even if it was just a few hours. I wish I could do it every day somehow. Playing music is about all I seem to even bother living for anymore. Its an escape from reality for a little while. Its like magic or something when people are into what you're playing and maybe singing along or even dancing or just moving around a little with a smile on their faces. Most of them, probably 99% worked all week at a job that doesn't pay near enough. Enough to pay the bills (hopefully) and just a little left over to go out to eat and have a nice time. Seems like there is always some people at every gig that have a special song they want you to play. Sometimes you feel like "what am I a jukebox?" lol. BUT we always try to do it if even one or two of us kinda know it. That is one unique thing I think we have about our band. We all range from 14 to 50 years old and that covers a lot of years and genres of music when you add it all up. Although, having a 14 year old drummer in the band limits us as to where we can play. We are kicking around the idea of getting a stunt drummer to stand in for the gigs that you have to be 18-21. The smoking laws kill us worse than the actual being a place that serves alcohol law does for us. Any indoor smoking going on = No persons under the age of 18 - no exceptions. As long as we play outdoors we have no worries though.
We done a stripped down quasi acoustic show. Really all we were missing were drums but since our drummer had a baseball tournament and his dad is our lead guitar player they had to miss the gig. We got a stunt lead player to stand in with us and he was really great to get to play with. We hit it off really good about playing together. A chemistry thing so to speak I guess. That was our second gig in a row like that. And at the same venue too. Its a pizza and beer type of place with a nice atmosphere about it. Its pretty much right there at a pretty popular lake and people from all over north east Texas invade the place every summer. Its been know to have some famous residents in the area. NBA star Dennis Rodman had a houseboat there for a while at least. And Bill Dance or Jimmy Houston from the pro fishing television shows lives or lived around there too. Its a beautiful clean, clear, and deep lake too. Broken Bow Lake is the name of it. Its about 12 miles or so north of Broken Bow Oklahoma in southeast Oklahoma. Its about 50 to 60 miles north of the Texas state line. And about 30 miles west of the Arkansas Oklahoma line.
For southeast Oklahoma of all places The Grateful Head Pizza and Tap Room has some of the best damn pizza ever. I have eaten pizza all over the country and even lived around what I consider the pizza capitol of the world, Chicago Illinois and it rates right up there with the best of them. I usually get to eat mine cold on the way home from the gig and its still kick ass pizza!
We were playing to a standing room only crowd just like the last gig, just playing away minding our own business. And these people walk past us, literally between our monitors and the stage (its really cramped around the tiny stage area) and I see this face I recognized. I thought to myself "no way" but I looked some more and decided it really was him. Not that he's a huge star or anything but he plays on one of those reality shows about cars. Its called "Fast and Loud" or aka "Gas Monkey Garage". The guy's name is Dennis Collins and he's the star Richard Rawlings rich friend who buys cars and advises on foreign cars etc,. While we were taking a quick break I walked out to the parking lot to the truck to get something and I saw a real nice jacked up Jeep. On the spare tire cover it read "Collins Brothers Jeep" so I figure he's partners with his brother in a Jeep Dealership along with being partners with The Gas Monkey himself. Richard Rawlings. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him or shake his hand or anything but him and his friends really seemed to enjoy our music. They actually sat on a concrete slab that holds a picnic table while waiting on a table to open up and it was right next to the stage where they usually reserve for the bands family. I know that place sure sold a lot of pizza and beer last Saturday night. I think we made a ten dollar tip this time. We made about 40 in tips the time before and we don't even set out a tip jar. I kinda got a screwing on the tip situation I think. There was something mentioned about putting it back for equipment but I don't know if that will ever happen or just be forgotten.
The load in and load out is a real pain in the ass. Not to mention hooking everything up right the first time and getting the PA really close to right without a sound check. We literally sound check off of our first song or two. But I have gotten pretty good at getting things all hooked up right and fairly quick if nobody is in my way. That's usually not the case unfortunately and you find yourself doing a sort of awkward dance of some kind getting the cords routed etc,
Well for now I'll just close out by saying I'm still hanging in there. But just barely. I'm an emotional wreck to be honest. I'm on anti-depressants and I'm still depressed beyond description. Apparently that good ole social security system that loves to rob our paychecks don't have any intentions of ever giving it back to you if there's even a sliver of a chance that they can get out of it. The lady who worked as a guard at the Federal Courthouse once told me she had actually seen people missing 2 limbs get turned down for disability. They act in my case like "you just broke your back you can still do something". There are admittedly things I can do, but for the life of me I don't know how I could do an 8 hour shift somewhere and make a living. I have hardware in my spine and my spine is fused to boot. I'm missing two vertebrates. My back doesn't bend well at all. And because of the way it is, it shouldn't bend. For some strange reason also, I have noticed that since my accident and surgery I don't have very good balance. I was told by doctors to stay off of ladders by all means. I'm not supposed to be exposed to vibrations either for fear it could loosen my screws? And its just painful 24/7 in general.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll figure something out to do despite my disabilities and make it somehow, but right now it looks really bleak. It would take 5 nights a week of gigging to make a living and even then after expenses it would be barely squeaking by. And quite frankly I couldn't do it physically. Playing a gig usually takes me 1-3 days just to fully get over. Depends on how much I have to do physically during load in and load out. We have some members who don't like to pull their weight at times and that just makes it worse on me. They don't have to do this for the money though.
Anyway .... Peace, Love, and Music as always
And if I don't make it here I'll see some of you on the other side.
Friday, July 11, 2014
After Another Long Absence
Well folks, I'm back for right now but I don't know how long so I thought I'd get some things off my chest that's been weighing heavy on me for a while now. You always hear sayings like the "life of a struggling musician" and other nifty slogans and sayings that generally describe what its really like to be a struggling musician. This blog post doesn't really focus a lot on music this time around. Instead its more about my personal struggles with life right now.
I'm struggling in lots of other ways. Life's a bitch and then you die. I'm sure you've heard that one before as well. I'll let you in on something I wouldn't normally dream of telling a lot of people, much less the blog world. Warning, what I'm about to say is kind of depressing so if you don't want to hear a sad story maybe you should stop reading now and find something more pleasant to read today.
With that said .... I'm a former alcoholic. I know I'm not supposed to say "former", because according to AA once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Well for me that's just not the truth. I've got a firm handle on my drinking problem and I have for over 3 years now. Maybe 4 years but I quit counting because its no longer important for me to keep track of. I just know I have that ass kicked and I'm not ever going "back there" again. And besides, I can't afford to drink anymore much less even feed myself sometimes. The month of July marks the anniversary of a huge life change for me. This is the fifth year since it all went down. I had a motorcycle accident that left me pretty messed up to say the least and I'm now pretty well disabled. Although the social security administration and I have been debating that for nearly five years to no avail. The worst injury (among many) that happened in the accident was a broken back. Not just broke either. I did a real number on it. It crushed two vertebrates that had to be picked out in little pieces and my spine is now held together by some steel rods and screws. The official term for those are Harrington Rods. Mine are connected from The T-4 to the T-11 vertebrates. The screws are 3 inches long if the x-rays are to scale size. I also broke a few pieces in my neck and broke all of my ribs. One of them punctured a lung and I spent nearly a month on a vent and in a coma. I had lots of other injuries but those are the major ones.
I worked at a machine shop for most of my adult life but I also did some construction work for a few years off and on before the machinist gig came along. I'm really one of those "Jack of all trades" type of people who works well with their hands. I can take about anything apart and put it back together. I did a lot of that when I was a kid. I've done it for as long as I can remember so I was a natural fit when it came to the machine shop thing. At our shop we specialized in rebuilding machinery for the fastener industry. Machines that make bolts, screws, nuts and rivets, etc .. We were really good at it and one of just a handful of companies that even offered those kind of services. Now days the machinery is throw away junk made in China and a few other Asian countries. They make them to last five to ten years and then you throw them away since they no longer serve as a tax write off. The saying, "they just don't make them like they used to" is definitely true.
After my accident and back surgery the neurologist said I'd never work again and that I was lucky I could even walk. I'm not supposed to lift over ten pounds now either even though I break that rule a lot. Its out of necessity though but I do try to take it as easy as I possibly can. I just can't hold up to physical labor for very long and it takes lots of pain pills just to function in a semi normal fashion. And since I have no college education I don't make a very good desk jockey either. I really can't take sitting in a chair all day either. I have to move around to keep from getting stiff. I take the maximum amount of pain pills a person is allowed already also. I won't even mention all the down sides to that. A dope head would love to get into my medicine drawer. They'd be in hog heaven for a while. I hate the drugs personally and can't see why anyone would take them to get high.
As a result of all of this I am a very depressed person most of the time. Playing my guitar is kinda like therapy for me although its also kinda painful too so its a double edged sword. Music has always been my life, my escape so to speak. I always wanted to play in a band and got to do it several time over the years. I just never had a proper band where I played in front of an audience and actually got paid to do it. After my accident I started trying to think of some way to make it happen if I could just get myself back into good enough shape to do it for a few hours at a time. I really have no aspirations of being a rock star or anything like that. I'm too old for that now and becoming a star is pretty much a young persons world. I'll be fifty years old next month if I make it that long so I'm a little too late for all that. I just wanted to find a way to do this to make some much needed money. I finally have that band I always dreamed about but the gigs are few and far between and its turned out to not be much of a help with paying the bills although it does a little bit sometimes and for that I'm thankful. We get hit up to do benefits about as much or more as paying gigs. And as much as I love doing things to help people I really can't afford to do this for free all the time. So far we've managed to pull it off when asked but its a lot of work and it takes gasoline to get to the gigs. I figured it out a few times on paper and when you figure in how many hours go into set up and tear down we are lucky to make minimum wage or sometimes just cover the expense of doing it.
Meanwhile the bills keep piling up and my wife (really ex-wife) has not been in good health for a while now either. She had a good paying job at a pharmacy as a pharmacy tech but he boss was not only a crook but a real dick too. One day a state auditor person came in and things didn't go very well. To make a long story shorter she found out her boss was committing Medicare fraud and the auditor lady advised her to get the hell out of there because she was legally responsible for some of that stuff and could actually go to prison because they weren't licensed to do what they were doing. She did the right thing and quit that job when she found out things weren't on the up and up and all legal. We're pretty honest people and try to live right and live by the laws our society has. Even when some of those laws don't seem very just. Who wants trouble anyway? So she quit and went to the unemployment office and basically spilled the beans on her former boss. He fought like hell to keep her from getting her unemployment but because of his illegal activities she was able to get her unemployment. It was during that time that she fell ill with respiratory problems. We still don't know what's wrong with her but the doctors are trying to figure it out.
When the unemployment ran its course things really started getting really bad. We just can't seem to keep up with the bills that come with basic survival anymore. She has a few houses she cleans but that's it mostly. After several times of getting the electricity shut off and internet shut off its looking more and more hopeless. The internet has been shut off for a long time now and since it was tied in with the phone and satellite television its been pretty boring around here to say the least. Last night I was doing a little cleaning in my music room and noticed that all the lights were working on the modem. I tried to pull up my home page and damned if it didn't work for whatever reason. Someone either messed up or felt sorry for us and turned it back on because we sure haven't paid the bill. We've barely held on to the house as it is and we're still very close to foreclosure.
We decided to give the congressman's aid a call and see if there was any news yet on my disability case. I have a brief filed in federal court basically suing them already and I'm on my second go, filing a brand new claim at trying to get my disability started. After talking to Tracy we found out my case wasn't even coming up for a hearing until sometime after December. And the bank is on our ass right now. They have already bent over backwards trying to help and the last time they refinanced they said we couldn't be late even once on the payment. Thankfully, Tracy, the congressman's disability aid has taken a personal interest in my family's plight. Our youngest son is a type 2 diabetic and he's not doing well with it. Long story but he was basically forced out of high school eventually and put in to the home bound program. They didn't want him at school because they didn't want to possible liability issues if something happened to him at school. He needs an insulin pump because it constantly monitors his insulin levels and administers it as needed. Unfortunately his kids medicare doesn't pay for insulin pumps and they're very expensive. During the many times spent communicating with Tracy (the congressman's aid) about my own disability case, she got to hear my sons story as well. I turned over pretty much all of the communication aspects of my case to my wife since I seem to have a short fuse and a bad memory anymore. Anyway, you know how women like to talk lol. Tracy asked why we didn't have our son on disability already. Children's Hospital had told us it was no longer considered a disability when he was first diagnosed so we never thought about it. Tracy talked her into giving it a try since she said that what we were told by Children's wasn't exactly accurate. In severe cases (such as his) it is still considered a disability as it should be. I won't even get into the details of seeing first hand on a daily basis what a person with type two diabetes goes through. Especially when the blood sugar levels are barely controllable even when you're doing everything by the book. So anyway, we got him signed up for disability and it took about year but he finally got approved. A year is a long time for most things. Babies are conceived and birthed in less time than that. But for dealing with, and especially, GETTING ANYWHERE with the social security disability administration within a years times is like a MIRACLE.
People, I kid you not. I would not wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy. Calling it the most horribly imaginable fucking nightmare from hell is only because there are no worse words to describe it in the English language that I can come up with. This is a long post I know. And I'm having to actually take breaks because I just can't sit in a regular desk chair very long. Recliners are the only way to go for long term sitting (and sleeping) for me. Absolutely no standing in one place (like washing dishes) for over a few minutes either. I have to move around a little bit which is why I'm always moving when I'm playing music with my band even if it is just a little movement mostly. I'm literally crooked. You can actually see it with my shirt off where you can see from my neck to my belly button. And not only am I crooked that way, I'm also crooked so that my spine goes inward pushing my guts forward. I don't blame anyone for that but myself. The neurosurgeon that fixed me done a great job according to other doctors that have looked at my x-rays. The orthopedic surgeon that social security sent me to was impressed with his work but also agreed that I was pretty screwed up. Or as they usually all say, "you're really lucky" or "someones looking out for you" or my favorite one, "your time isn't done here and you have something pretty important left to do". I don't feel like I'll ever figure that one out. Its surely not to write this blog that I hardly ever post in. And surely my "purpose" is not be in some rinky dink cover band.
Whatever my higher purpose might be I sometimes wish it would hurry up and happen because this life isn't very good to me anymore quality wise. I do still get a little enjoyment out of it. Especially when I'm playing music and everybody is hitting on all cylinders and we just couldn't screw it up if we wanted to. But that usually doesn't happen very often. When you put five people together to play music someone is bound to have an off night sometimes.
Had to take a break there for a little bit. My neighbor just came by and told me some bad news. That's all I EVER seem to hear anymore so I'm not in shock but its still very sad to me. A very good mutual friend of ours was found dead this morning in his camper when he didn't show up for work. He was a pipe fitter and worked all over the place at refineries so he had a camper rather than pay motel bills. We called him Wally but his real name was Wylie. He was 48 years old. I remember that because he said it several times the last time I saw him, which was last Friday night, the fourth of July. Wally was a hell of a mechanic and even built race cars for the dirt track and built racing engines for others. He was a wiz with transmissions too. Wally liked to drink beer and fight in bars, gamble his money away at casinos, pretty much anything wild and crazy. He was also the type of guy who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed help. I'm gonna miss that dude. I'm glad I got to see him last Friday night. I even broke down and drank a couple of beers with him because he was one of those guys that always wanted to give everyone a beer whether they drank or not lol. Damn this really sucks to hear he died.
And on top of that, my favorite uncle is dying of cancer right now. Uncle Bob has always been kinda my hero. I always looked up to him because he played guitar really well and I always wanted to play like uncle Bob. I wanted to play before my hands were even big enough. I couldn't wait until I grew enough to play guitar. Bob always encouraged me too. Even though he lived in Arkansas and I lived in Illinois I couldn't wait until vacation time and we got to go to Arkansas so I could show uncle Bob what I'd learned since the last time we'd saw each other. At one point he loaned me his old Gibson because my parents couldn't afford to buy me a good guitar. I kept that guitar for 4 or 5 years and then sent it back to him when I went into the Army. I bought myself a nice acoustic guitar after I got in there and then later on in life I was able to finally get myself a decent guitar or two or three eventually.
I need to think about wrapping this long winded blog up before they shut the internet back off. I still don't know how the hell its working. I'm kinda feeling bummed out now after hearing about Wally. And my neighbor also told me his dog Scruffy was missing. She's really old and she's around that age when dogs usually die. She's always kinda felt like a part of the family around here. She's always came over and played with and just hung around my dogs. She even came over and hung around me sometimes when I was outside messing around and my neighbor was gone somewhere. I'm hoping for the best but I kinda got my doubts she's coming home. She probably got out in the woods chasing a rabbit or squirrel and had heat stroke or heart attack.
I have to admit something though and get it off my chest and out here in the cyber world so maybe one day someone will read it and hopefully understand. I've been struggling a lot lately. Even though I'm on anti depressants they only help so much. When things start getting really hopeless looking its hard to deal with. I've been having suicidal thoughts for a long time now. Since after my accident and the resulting physical pain on a daily basis is a lot to deal with I can't help but think about putting myself out of my misery. I've heard all the arguments against it, and I understand the implications about doing something like that. But would your family, friends and loved ones really want you to live your life through tremendous pain and suffering all the time? In a perfect and just world I'd be on disability and we could at least make it financially. Although even that would no doubt be somewhat of a struggle since the pay is low and the pain is still there physically, at least the hopelessness would be gone and I wouldn't have to wonder how long its going to be before I'm sleeping under a bridge somewhere. Its a very humiliating feeling to be a man that can't provide the basic necessities in life for his family. At least a woman with a sick kid can get some financial help in this screwed up world. But not with me in the picture.
If only the administrative law judge had done his job and actually reviewed my case, none of this would be happening. When I got his decision letter I knew by the first paragraph he hadn't even reviewed my case. He claimed that I opted to represent myself at my hearing. I didn't represent myself, I had a lawyer. It even says so all over my paperwork. This judge saw and interacted with my lawyer and even commended him for doing my case Pro Bono at the hearing. The two doctors on social securities side at my hearing testified strongly in my favor. Even more strongly than the doctors that social security sent me to and had reports from basically saying "this guy is disabled". So what happened here? Why me? Or do they do everyone that way? For the most part the only people I see drawing disability are people who have never worked or hardly had a work history and haven't paid into the system like the rest of us poor working bastards doing a 9 to 5 gig every day for decades. It always sucked seeing how much they took out of my check for social security every week for all those years. But like everyone else I sucked it up and kept going, thinking I'd at least have some income when I got too old to work or became disabled by some slim chance. I say slim chance because we're all ten feet tall and bullet proof for a time. I found out the hard way that we're a little bit more fragile than that.
I don't know what's gonna happen. This may even be the last post I ever make on here. I hope not, because I enjoy the internet and its one of my very few enjoyments even left in this life. It kinda feels good getting it off your chest sometimes to whoever might stumble across my little blog. Somethings gotta give soon though or I think I'm going to pull the plunger soon. I just don't know how much more I can take.
Maybe things will turn around for me soon and get better. Maybe not. But I'm gonna go ahead and say goodbye and hit the publish button before my ISP figures out they messed up and the modem lights go back out. I'm gonna try my best to hang in there but I can't promise anything since nothings really promised to us except death and taxes. If they take the house and I end up homeless all bets are off.
I love everyone pretty much and I've always loved life itself. There's so much beauty out there that a lot of us never take the time or get the time to enjoy. Always remember to love one another and treat each other with respect. You never know what someone might be going through when you meet them on the street or in the store or wherever you might be.
Peace, Love, and Music ........... Jimiray
I'm struggling in lots of other ways. Life's a bitch and then you die. I'm sure you've heard that one before as well. I'll let you in on something I wouldn't normally dream of telling a lot of people, much less the blog world. Warning, what I'm about to say is kind of depressing so if you don't want to hear a sad story maybe you should stop reading now and find something more pleasant to read today.
With that said .... I'm a former alcoholic. I know I'm not supposed to say "former", because according to AA once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Well for me that's just not the truth. I've got a firm handle on my drinking problem and I have for over 3 years now. Maybe 4 years but I quit counting because its no longer important for me to keep track of. I just know I have that ass kicked and I'm not ever going "back there" again. And besides, I can't afford to drink anymore much less even feed myself sometimes. The month of July marks the anniversary of a huge life change for me. This is the fifth year since it all went down. I had a motorcycle accident that left me pretty messed up to say the least and I'm now pretty well disabled. Although the social security administration and I have been debating that for nearly five years to no avail. The worst injury (among many) that happened in the accident was a broken back. Not just broke either. I did a real number on it. It crushed two vertebrates that had to be picked out in little pieces and my spine is now held together by some steel rods and screws. The official term for those are Harrington Rods. Mine are connected from The T-4 to the T-11 vertebrates. The screws are 3 inches long if the x-rays are to scale size. I also broke a few pieces in my neck and broke all of my ribs. One of them punctured a lung and I spent nearly a month on a vent and in a coma. I had lots of other injuries but those are the major ones.
I worked at a machine shop for most of my adult life but I also did some construction work for a few years off and on before the machinist gig came along. I'm really one of those "Jack of all trades" type of people who works well with their hands. I can take about anything apart and put it back together. I did a lot of that when I was a kid. I've done it for as long as I can remember so I was a natural fit when it came to the machine shop thing. At our shop we specialized in rebuilding machinery for the fastener industry. Machines that make bolts, screws, nuts and rivets, etc .. We were really good at it and one of just a handful of companies that even offered those kind of services. Now days the machinery is throw away junk made in China and a few other Asian countries. They make them to last five to ten years and then you throw them away since they no longer serve as a tax write off. The saying, "they just don't make them like they used to" is definitely true.
After my accident and back surgery the neurologist said I'd never work again and that I was lucky I could even walk. I'm not supposed to lift over ten pounds now either even though I break that rule a lot. Its out of necessity though but I do try to take it as easy as I possibly can. I just can't hold up to physical labor for very long and it takes lots of pain pills just to function in a semi normal fashion. And since I have no college education I don't make a very good desk jockey either. I really can't take sitting in a chair all day either. I have to move around to keep from getting stiff. I take the maximum amount of pain pills a person is allowed already also. I won't even mention all the down sides to that. A dope head would love to get into my medicine drawer. They'd be in hog heaven for a while. I hate the drugs personally and can't see why anyone would take them to get high.
As a result of all of this I am a very depressed person most of the time. Playing my guitar is kinda like therapy for me although its also kinda painful too so its a double edged sword. Music has always been my life, my escape so to speak. I always wanted to play in a band and got to do it several time over the years. I just never had a proper band where I played in front of an audience and actually got paid to do it. After my accident I started trying to think of some way to make it happen if I could just get myself back into good enough shape to do it for a few hours at a time. I really have no aspirations of being a rock star or anything like that. I'm too old for that now and becoming a star is pretty much a young persons world. I'll be fifty years old next month if I make it that long so I'm a little too late for all that. I just wanted to find a way to do this to make some much needed money. I finally have that band I always dreamed about but the gigs are few and far between and its turned out to not be much of a help with paying the bills although it does a little bit sometimes and for that I'm thankful. We get hit up to do benefits about as much or more as paying gigs. And as much as I love doing things to help people I really can't afford to do this for free all the time. So far we've managed to pull it off when asked but its a lot of work and it takes gasoline to get to the gigs. I figured it out a few times on paper and when you figure in how many hours go into set up and tear down we are lucky to make minimum wage or sometimes just cover the expense of doing it.
Meanwhile the bills keep piling up and my wife (really ex-wife) has not been in good health for a while now either. She had a good paying job at a pharmacy as a pharmacy tech but he boss was not only a crook but a real dick too. One day a state auditor person came in and things didn't go very well. To make a long story shorter she found out her boss was committing Medicare fraud and the auditor lady advised her to get the hell out of there because she was legally responsible for some of that stuff and could actually go to prison because they weren't licensed to do what they were doing. She did the right thing and quit that job when she found out things weren't on the up and up and all legal. We're pretty honest people and try to live right and live by the laws our society has. Even when some of those laws don't seem very just. Who wants trouble anyway? So she quit and went to the unemployment office and basically spilled the beans on her former boss. He fought like hell to keep her from getting her unemployment but because of his illegal activities she was able to get her unemployment. It was during that time that she fell ill with respiratory problems. We still don't know what's wrong with her but the doctors are trying to figure it out.
When the unemployment ran its course things really started getting really bad. We just can't seem to keep up with the bills that come with basic survival anymore. She has a few houses she cleans but that's it mostly. After several times of getting the electricity shut off and internet shut off its looking more and more hopeless. The internet has been shut off for a long time now and since it was tied in with the phone and satellite television its been pretty boring around here to say the least. Last night I was doing a little cleaning in my music room and noticed that all the lights were working on the modem. I tried to pull up my home page and damned if it didn't work for whatever reason. Someone either messed up or felt sorry for us and turned it back on because we sure haven't paid the bill. We've barely held on to the house as it is and we're still very close to foreclosure.
We decided to give the congressman's aid a call and see if there was any news yet on my disability case. I have a brief filed in federal court basically suing them already and I'm on my second go, filing a brand new claim at trying to get my disability started. After talking to Tracy we found out my case wasn't even coming up for a hearing until sometime after December. And the bank is on our ass right now. They have already bent over backwards trying to help and the last time they refinanced they said we couldn't be late even once on the payment. Thankfully, Tracy, the congressman's disability aid has taken a personal interest in my family's plight. Our youngest son is a type 2 diabetic and he's not doing well with it. Long story but he was basically forced out of high school eventually and put in to the home bound program. They didn't want him at school because they didn't want to possible liability issues if something happened to him at school. He needs an insulin pump because it constantly monitors his insulin levels and administers it as needed. Unfortunately his kids medicare doesn't pay for insulin pumps and they're very expensive. During the many times spent communicating with Tracy (the congressman's aid) about my own disability case, she got to hear my sons story as well. I turned over pretty much all of the communication aspects of my case to my wife since I seem to have a short fuse and a bad memory anymore. Anyway, you know how women like to talk lol. Tracy asked why we didn't have our son on disability already. Children's Hospital had told us it was no longer considered a disability when he was first diagnosed so we never thought about it. Tracy talked her into giving it a try since she said that what we were told by Children's wasn't exactly accurate. In severe cases (such as his) it is still considered a disability as it should be. I won't even get into the details of seeing first hand on a daily basis what a person with type two diabetes goes through. Especially when the blood sugar levels are barely controllable even when you're doing everything by the book. So anyway, we got him signed up for disability and it took about year but he finally got approved. A year is a long time for most things. Babies are conceived and birthed in less time than that. But for dealing with, and especially, GETTING ANYWHERE with the social security disability administration within a years times is like a MIRACLE.
People, I kid you not. I would not wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy. Calling it the most horribly imaginable fucking nightmare from hell is only because there are no worse words to describe it in the English language that I can come up with. This is a long post I know. And I'm having to actually take breaks because I just can't sit in a regular desk chair very long. Recliners are the only way to go for long term sitting (and sleeping) for me. Absolutely no standing in one place (like washing dishes) for over a few minutes either. I have to move around a little bit which is why I'm always moving when I'm playing music with my band even if it is just a little movement mostly. I'm literally crooked. You can actually see it with my shirt off where you can see from my neck to my belly button. And not only am I crooked that way, I'm also crooked so that my spine goes inward pushing my guts forward. I don't blame anyone for that but myself. The neurosurgeon that fixed me done a great job according to other doctors that have looked at my x-rays. The orthopedic surgeon that social security sent me to was impressed with his work but also agreed that I was pretty screwed up. Or as they usually all say, "you're really lucky" or "someones looking out for you" or my favorite one, "your time isn't done here and you have something pretty important left to do". I don't feel like I'll ever figure that one out. Its surely not to write this blog that I hardly ever post in. And surely my "purpose" is not be in some rinky dink cover band.
Whatever my higher purpose might be I sometimes wish it would hurry up and happen because this life isn't very good to me anymore quality wise. I do still get a little enjoyment out of it. Especially when I'm playing music and everybody is hitting on all cylinders and we just couldn't screw it up if we wanted to. But that usually doesn't happen very often. When you put five people together to play music someone is bound to have an off night sometimes.
Had to take a break there for a little bit. My neighbor just came by and told me some bad news. That's all I EVER seem to hear anymore so I'm not in shock but its still very sad to me. A very good mutual friend of ours was found dead this morning in his camper when he didn't show up for work. He was a pipe fitter and worked all over the place at refineries so he had a camper rather than pay motel bills. We called him Wally but his real name was Wylie. He was 48 years old. I remember that because he said it several times the last time I saw him, which was last Friday night, the fourth of July. Wally was a hell of a mechanic and even built race cars for the dirt track and built racing engines for others. He was a wiz with transmissions too. Wally liked to drink beer and fight in bars, gamble his money away at casinos, pretty much anything wild and crazy. He was also the type of guy who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed help. I'm gonna miss that dude. I'm glad I got to see him last Friday night. I even broke down and drank a couple of beers with him because he was one of those guys that always wanted to give everyone a beer whether they drank or not lol. Damn this really sucks to hear he died.
And on top of that, my favorite uncle is dying of cancer right now. Uncle Bob has always been kinda my hero. I always looked up to him because he played guitar really well and I always wanted to play like uncle Bob. I wanted to play before my hands were even big enough. I couldn't wait until I grew enough to play guitar. Bob always encouraged me too. Even though he lived in Arkansas and I lived in Illinois I couldn't wait until vacation time and we got to go to Arkansas so I could show uncle Bob what I'd learned since the last time we'd saw each other. At one point he loaned me his old Gibson because my parents couldn't afford to buy me a good guitar. I kept that guitar for 4 or 5 years and then sent it back to him when I went into the Army. I bought myself a nice acoustic guitar after I got in there and then later on in life I was able to finally get myself a decent guitar or two or three eventually.
I need to think about wrapping this long winded blog up before they shut the internet back off. I still don't know how the hell its working. I'm kinda feeling bummed out now after hearing about Wally. And my neighbor also told me his dog Scruffy was missing. She's really old and she's around that age when dogs usually die. She's always kinda felt like a part of the family around here. She's always came over and played with and just hung around my dogs. She even came over and hung around me sometimes when I was outside messing around and my neighbor was gone somewhere. I'm hoping for the best but I kinda got my doubts she's coming home. She probably got out in the woods chasing a rabbit or squirrel and had heat stroke or heart attack.
I have to admit something though and get it off my chest and out here in the cyber world so maybe one day someone will read it and hopefully understand. I've been struggling a lot lately. Even though I'm on anti depressants they only help so much. When things start getting really hopeless looking its hard to deal with. I've been having suicidal thoughts for a long time now. Since after my accident and the resulting physical pain on a daily basis is a lot to deal with I can't help but think about putting myself out of my misery. I've heard all the arguments against it, and I understand the implications about doing something like that. But would your family, friends and loved ones really want you to live your life through tremendous pain and suffering all the time? In a perfect and just world I'd be on disability and we could at least make it financially. Although even that would no doubt be somewhat of a struggle since the pay is low and the pain is still there physically, at least the hopelessness would be gone and I wouldn't have to wonder how long its going to be before I'm sleeping under a bridge somewhere. Its a very humiliating feeling to be a man that can't provide the basic necessities in life for his family. At least a woman with a sick kid can get some financial help in this screwed up world. But not with me in the picture.
If only the administrative law judge had done his job and actually reviewed my case, none of this would be happening. When I got his decision letter I knew by the first paragraph he hadn't even reviewed my case. He claimed that I opted to represent myself at my hearing. I didn't represent myself, I had a lawyer. It even says so all over my paperwork. This judge saw and interacted with my lawyer and even commended him for doing my case Pro Bono at the hearing. The two doctors on social securities side at my hearing testified strongly in my favor. Even more strongly than the doctors that social security sent me to and had reports from basically saying "this guy is disabled". So what happened here? Why me? Or do they do everyone that way? For the most part the only people I see drawing disability are people who have never worked or hardly had a work history and haven't paid into the system like the rest of us poor working bastards doing a 9 to 5 gig every day for decades. It always sucked seeing how much they took out of my check for social security every week for all those years. But like everyone else I sucked it up and kept going, thinking I'd at least have some income when I got too old to work or became disabled by some slim chance. I say slim chance because we're all ten feet tall and bullet proof for a time. I found out the hard way that we're a little bit more fragile than that.
I don't know what's gonna happen. This may even be the last post I ever make on here. I hope not, because I enjoy the internet and its one of my very few enjoyments even left in this life. It kinda feels good getting it off your chest sometimes to whoever might stumble across my little blog. Somethings gotta give soon though or I think I'm going to pull the plunger soon. I just don't know how much more I can take.
Maybe things will turn around for me soon and get better. Maybe not. But I'm gonna go ahead and say goodbye and hit the publish button before my ISP figures out they messed up and the modem lights go back out. I'm gonna try my best to hang in there but I can't promise anything since nothings really promised to us except death and taxes. If they take the house and I end up homeless all bets are off.
I love everyone pretty much and I've always loved life itself. There's so much beauty out there that a lot of us never take the time or get the time to enjoy. Always remember to love one another and treat each other with respect. You never know what someone might be going through when you meet them on the street or in the store or wherever you might be.
Peace, Love, and Music ........... Jimiray
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